Disappointment happens. Sometimes it’s a small thing, like forgetting about and missing a coffee date with a friend. Other times, it’s much bigger, like unexpectedly finding out you’re pregnant again. Big or small, those disappointments can feel all the worse, even overwhelming, when you’re already in an emotionally depleted state. Exhausted, lonely, depressed Mamas have the hardest time with disappointment because we’re already functioning on less emotional energy. It doesn’t take nearly as much to drain us completely.
Emotional Energy: How Disappointment Affects It
Imagine that you wake up each morning with one glass full of emotional energy. As the day goes by, you pour some out for your kids, some for your husband, some on work or other commitments; neighbors, friends, housework, bills, meal planning, etc. And some of that energy is poured into hopes, plans, or goals for future things, like those coffee dates or the things you might do once your youngest is in school full time. Fear, frustration, and sadness from a disappointing event can rob the remainder of your day’s energy. But it can also rob you of the energy you’ve poured out and stored in those future plans and expectations.
Take that same glass of emotional energy, but now it’s only half-full. That’s what your emotional ‘tank’ often looks like when you’re wiped out, dealing with depression, trudging through the loneliness of motherhood, or battling anxiety. That half-full glass is much closer to running dry, so when disappointments happen, one big slosh drains everything you’ve got. In my experience, that’s been the hardest part about my depression. One little thing can steal the rest of my carefully budgeted energy and leave me wanting nothing more than to go to bed and start the day over… by 9 am! But fear not, Mama! There is a solution!!
How To Retain Your Energy After A Disappointment
Step 1: Give Yourself Five Minutes To Feel It
It’s okay to need to vent some frustration or cry a few tears. Don’t try to bottle up those emotions! Let ’em out! I give myself five minutes if I really can’t hold it together. Alone in my room or the car, I’ll let everything bubble up and over and cry as hard as I need to for five minutes. Then I can dry my face and move forward rationally. Sometimes you just have to let yourself really feel it. By acknowledging your feelings, you’re allowing yourself to move on. (Makes me think of Sadness in Inside Out… Anyone else?)
Step 2: Salvage Your Energy By Channeling It Into Something Else
The energy you’ve stored in future plans and dreams is like a storehouse for your lowest days, the silver lining or the bright spot to look forward to when you’re really in the trenches. When those plans change or get messed up by something outside of your control, your ‘rainy day’ fund of emotional energy can slip away and be gone forever. We can’t have that! Being able to channel all that stored energy into something else you can honestly get excited about will salvage some, if not most, of your energy.
This is something my therapist pointed out to me and it has really, really improved my ability to cope with disappointments. I have a page in my bullet journal where I record things I would like to do or get done. These are things that make me happy and fulfilled and which give me purpose. I’m a doer, so my list is 90% projects. Your list might include crafts with your kids or manicures or cleaning tasks or reading or vacation planning or… Fill in the blank for you. When a disappointment occurs, say you miss a date with a friend, you can look at your list and pick something else to channel your expectant energy into.
Step 3: Recognize The Root of Your Disappointment
Later, after you’ve had time to cope and reflect on the thing that caused your disappointment, take some time to dig into why. Why did missing that appointment affect you the way it did? What is it that scares or worries you about being pregnant again? I’m not great at recognizing my own triggers, which is why I love my therapist. She has a way of asking questions that lead me right to the answer. A good friend or family member who knows you really well can accomplish the same thing sometimes. Once you know what triggered your disappointment, you can work through those emotions and prepare for the next time something might hit you similarly.
Prepare For the Future
Mom life never really goes the way you plan it to go. It might be a spilled cup or a lost shoe right before you walk out the door, or issues in your marriage or with your job. But we’re Moms. No one is as good as we are at anticipating worst case scenarios. It’s time we start anticipating the worst case self-care scenarios. Little annoyances can quickly become major day changers when you’re running on empty. Big things, like relationships and careers, can suffer a ton if you’ve got nothing left to invest in them after all your other mom duties. Self-care isn’t just a bubble bath here and a manicure there. Self-care is a lifestyle that enables you to be the best mom you can be because your emotional tank is full and ready for anything. By taking care of your needs before they become NEEDS, you allow room for life to happen and for you to keep your stuff together on the rough patches.
For more self-care ideas, click here.
For ideas on resetting with a weekend away, click here.
To find a therapist in your area, click here.
If you think life is just too much and you’re considering suicide, please call 1-800-273-8255
2 thoughts on “The Depressed Mom’s Guide to Disappointment”
This is super insightful. I feel like it explains so much of my behavior recently haha. Thanks Jessi!
I’m super glad I could help! Love you girl!